Alucards tales of boredom
by Lord Deshwitat
Summary: EVER WONDER WHAT aLucard was doing in that cell when he wasnt sleeping well heres your chance update WOW I MISSED THE FIRST YEAR ANIVERSARY O O DArn Computer broke ANY WAY Up date Every month to 2 weeks if possible
1. Boredom

Hello my friends, and welcome to my first tale. So, I beg of you, please be gentle, or I will cry. You don't want an emo writer, its bad for business. Particularly for my author thing. So give me reviews and tell me what you think,  
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"This sucks." Alucard muttered. How did it all come to this? He used to be a great vampire, feared by all his enemys...and now look at him. locked up in a dungeon by his old master, his butler, and Abraham Van Helsing, who really had no business with him. And worse yet...he'd somehow become blonde.

Alucard sat in the dark cell, bored out of his undead skull trying to figure out what to do in this dank hole of a prison.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH WALTER GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO!" the  
bored nosferatu yelled.

What he got in reply wasn't very pleasant. "SHUT THE HELL UP, ALUCARD IM ON THE PHONE!" the, at the time, middle aged butler replied

"Fine, Walter! See if I turn into a girl again so you can get some pusTWACK!" alucard passed out from the impact of the brick, that the red faced butler had just thrown through the door from up the stairs.

Several hours later after after Alucard regained consiousness he was bored again.

"Man this sucks...still what in the world am I supposed to do!"  
"Ain't that the truth." Alucard replyed to his self.

"GREAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! NOW I'm talking to my self!"

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"  
"NO YOU!"  
"NO YOU!"  
"NO YOU!  
"NO YOU!"  
"NO YOU!"  
"SHUT UP, I DON'T KNOW YOU!"  
" ………………… We're the Same Person man."

"No Were not!"  
"Yes we are."  
"Oh, for...ARE NOT!"  
"ARE TOO!"  
"ARE NOT "  
ARE TOO!"  
"ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT I win!!" he stuck his long tounge out at himself., when suddenly, a familiar voice was heard from the door.

"Are you quite finished, you stupid twit?"

Alucard merely smiled, and stared as Walter descended upon him with a metal baseball bat. He then saw this as the cue to run away, while Walter saw this as the cue to nail him in the face with the bat.

"GO TO SLEEP AND SHUT THE HELL UP!" Walter said casting the broken bat away. Alucard merely laid there and sighed .Walter walked out leaving the vampire to heal.  
"God I hate him. I will kill him one day, I swear it!" Alucard laughed  
"WHAT WAS THAT ALUCARD!"

"Nothing, Wally." the vampire replied in his Girlycard voice, before laughing himself to sleep.


	2. A Leg up in life

So...As you can see Alucard is Quite out of character, and I meant for him to be, because this is comedy. Plus I'd be acting the same way in that dank hole of a dungeon. Wait I act like that anyway……………………….Sooooooooooooo ON TO OUR FAN FIC! My friend checked my spelling errors account name Banjoeman fukin amazing writer check him out

Alucard woke up a few days later, and couldn't see, for his eye balls had some how disappeared.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT THE HELL!?!" He shouted in fear.

He like most people jumped up and ran around screaming, until he smacked into a wall and his eye balls reappeared. He shook his head and grinned.

"Hey that's a cool trick. I'll have to try that again!"

"WHY DO YOU INSIST ON BE A MORONIC TWIT!" a familiar voice yelled...

"Cuz its fun to annoy your fancy pants ass." He said as he smiled that familiar evil grin , as Walter walked down the steps smiling, and putting on black gloves.

"Hey...you don't have anything to bludgeon me with. What's the catch?"

Walter merely smiled and cut Alucards legs off at the knee with that invisible razor wire he's so keen on using.

"Oh yeah...forgot you could do that...sigh...damn….. so how goes it", Alucard said, trying to strike up a casual conversation, as Walter just walked back up the stairs, mumbling something about a doctor and some guy named Max.

" NO! DON'T LEAVE ME IN... CLANG...damn alone again...wait a minute, HE CUT OFF MY LEGS!" Alucard said, shocked, before his grin appeared again. "Oh well they'll grow back momentarily..." He smiled, waiting to regenerate. Nothing happened.

"Eventually..."

Still nothing.

"In a few damn weeks..." Alucard snarled, remembering he needed blood to regenerate...hell, to even live.

"Fan-freaking-tastic..." He grumbled, banging his head into the wall behind him. Eventually, he stopped, and sighed.

"I need a drink..."


	3. Fast food

SO IS EVERYOE EJOYIG MY stories FROM my reviews YES YOU ARE YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SO Minion V2 Not banjo man is person who's been helping me out not banjoeman so Give me ideas and keep the reviews coming

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Alucard sat in his cell beating his undead skull against the wall, yet again.

"GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUTTA HERE!?" Alucard shouted

He then started staring at the wall, before he heard a skittering noise. He looked down, and...

"...FOOD!"

A rat sat there staring at alucard scared shitless

"Don't be afraid little guy, come here..." Alucard said, like he was coaxing a puppy with a treat. He even added several kissy noises afterward. Alucard then started crawling across the floor(his legs haven't came back yet), before the rat then decided to run away.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Alucard shouted, as he started crawling faster after it. "I'll Get you damnit!!" But he didn't, before the rat scampered through a hole in the wall.

"NOOOOO!!!" Alucard shouted, as he layed there and cried tears of blood. He'd just been denied his only source of blood...and friendship."I was gonna call you mr. Mousy, after I turned you into a vampire...why'd you leave mr. Mousy? I LOVED YOU MR MOUSY!

What the Hell are you crying about now alucard?!". Walter stood in the door way holding a chainsaw, and an angry expression.

"NOTHING! EVERYTHING'S GOOD! DON'T KILL ME!"

Walter walked away whispering something about cutting the trees down, shutting the door, leaving Alucard in darkness yet again...

"Damn...I'm bored." Alucard said, repeating himself.

"You ain't just whistlin' dixie, pardner!" A small voice said from the hole in the wall. Alucard suddenly turned his full attention to the hole.

"WHAT THE?!"

"SQUEAK, SQUEAK!"

Alucard looked away, and sighed.

"Losing my mind down here..." He muttered. "Must be the air."


	4. Singing in the cell

Wow thanks Everyone! MOST AWESOME REVIEWS EVERRRRRRR YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! SO! Once again Gimme ideas or reviews and keep coming back. I will try to update weekly, unless someone brings a genetic experiment that has Alucards thought patterns and personality and has um read fanfics for learning purposes, then me go bye bye. XD. YOU GUYS ARENT GETTING ANYTHING BUT YOU ROCK.

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Alucard sat there staring at the wall…………………..bored, before Walter walked in and sat next to Alucard, who looked like he was more than a bit...thirsty. Walter stared at the ground a bit, before sighing."

"Soooooo...um...sorry about cutting your legs off Alucard...". Alucard looked at him angrily, and his reply wasn't that pleasent...

"GO TO HELL, YOU DAMN BRIT OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU ARE!!!"

"…………………………. Better than a blood sucker"

"……….. I'LL SHOW YOU A BLOOD SUCKER!"

Alucard screamed, as he started crawling towards him, as walter smile, and just stood there. Alucard started getting closer and closer, and just as he was about to reach him, Walter jumped back away from him. Alucard started beating his head into the ground, fustrated.

"GRAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! DAMN YOU AND YOUR LEGS!! I'LL GET YOU EVENTUALLY!" Alucard screamed, as Walter just walked out the door and closed it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!...Ah damnit."

Alucard stared at the wall for along time, before smiling, and clearing his throat. When he opened his mouth, this is what came out:

_**"I am a man of constant sorrow,  
**_

_**I've seen trouble all my day.  
**_

_**I bid farewell to old Transylvania,  
**_

_**The place where I was born and raised..**_

_**For six long years I've been in trouble,  
**_

_**No pleasures here on earth I found.  
**_

_**For in this world I'm bound to ramble,  
**_

_**I have no friends to impale now.**_

_**It's fare thee well my old stupidassholeofafriendthatlockedmeuphereinthisgoddamncell,  
**_

_**I never expect to see you again...  
**_

_**For I'm bound to rot, inside this dark hell...  
**_

_**Perhaps I'll die Inside this cell..."**_

He was rudely interrupted, as Walter opened the door and tossed a rabid squirrel inside, nailing Alucard in the face, and then he threw a brick whcih hit him, seconds later.

"NO DAMN SINGING …… acually you should sing a solo so low no one can hear you GA H HA HA!" Walter shouted, as he ran back through the hallway, laughing gleefully.

Alucard was too busy eating the squirrel to notice. Suddenly he stopped, before he started crying again.

"MY squirly went bye bye! MR. SQUIRRLEY! You're In my Digestive tract now...WHY DID I HAVE EAT YOU! Great I'm sad now...damn squirrel will probly gimme gas too...shouldn't have ate the damned rodent..."

"You just aint whisling dixie partner!"

"WHAT THE HELL?! Oh its me talking to my self again. Hello Me, would you like to sing with me?"

"Shut the hell up you simpering idiot!"

"Why are you so mean to me, me? It's quite mean."

"ACT like a true nosveratu AND stop being a fool"

"………………I hate my self now..."

"GOOD LET THE HATE FILL YOU POLICE GIRL!"

"……………………..What the hell am I talking about? OOPS WRONG TIME LINE!"

"……………… Give me a damn gun full of silver bullets I don't know how ill shoot my self with this damned straitjacket but I will find a way I SWEAR IT! No comments me?"

"……………………..ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ "

"GREAT the other half of my minds asleep"

Alucard stared at the wall, before he started insanely mumbling to himself.

"TELL me police girl how does it feel to be dead?"

…………………….

………………………….

Alucard then cleared his throat again, after several minutes.

_**"That's life, that's what all the people say.  
**_

_**You're riding high in April,  
**_

_**Shot down in May...  
**_

_**But I know I'm gonna change that tune,  
**_

_**When I'm back on top, back on top in June."**_

"ALUCARD,NO DAMN SINGING!" Walter shouted, as he opened the door, holding something between his teeth...a pin.

"NO WALTER NO THAT!"

Walter chucked a live grenade at Alucard, and it landed right in the poor vampire's lap nailing him in the nuts, making him fall over, incapacitated onto the grenade.

"...Oh Hell No, Walt-"

**BA-DOOM!**


	5. Anderson

YET AGAIN QUITE SUCCESSFUL WOOT! Al right ill probly get flamed bye toatal Hellsing fan girls and boys after this chapter But oh well keep the ideas coming and the nice reviews im better then I thought WOOT!

Alucard laid there, his internal organs in pieces. He sat grumbling, reassembling them piece by piece.

"Damn...didn't do anything wrong...I helped him in World War 2, and he nailed me in the crotch with a damn grenade...damn Hellsing family...I help them for…. damn, cant remember how long, but What'd I get instead of a nice room? I get stuck in a damned cell with all kinds of paintings on the wall"

Before Alucard could whine any more, Walter opened the door, and in his arms was a moving shape that appeard to be struggling.

"Alucard, I found you a new playmate! Try not to eat him...actually, do!"

"Le' go o' me ya filthy bastard! I ough' tae cut tha' stupid li'l grin off o' yer face! When I ge' loose I'm goin' tae...WHOOOAH!"

A young blond haired man went flying through the door and down the steps, landing in front of Alucard.

"Who the hell are you kid?" Alucard asked, slightly annoyed at the sight of the boy.

The man stood up. He was about 6'2 wore glasses, and was very skinny and weak looking. AKA: a nice meal

"I'll ask you again twerp, who are you?"

The man stayed silent

"………… Once again, please tell me your name." Alucard said, now annoyed.

The young man finally said in a thick Scottish accent

"I am Alexander Anderson, member of the Catholic Church. I have come tae do our God's will, an'-"

"……………..Great a damn catholic...so why'd Walter throw you in here?"

"I was flirting with him..." Anderson said, smiling.

"...DO WHAT!?" Alucard's eyes nearly popped out of his skull.

"Yes...but now iv completely forgot about him

Andersons eyes lit up, as Alucard stared for a few seconds, before realizing what he meant...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Get the Hell away!!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!"

Alucard got up and ran away with Anderson chasing behind him, drooling.

"GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! DAMN YOU AUTHOR, THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A YAOI FIIC!!!!"

Alucard eventually fell over tired from loss of blood, as Anderson started walking towards him grinning creepily, his glasses giving off a glare, along with his smile and silver cross.

"Please, No!"

"Got Ye, Vampire"

Anderson began the all to familiar laugh a bit higher though, cocking his head and back backwards, and flailing his arms at the side...everything turned red for a few seconds too for some reason. Can't imagine why though...oh wait, this is an Anime based fic, this stuff happens all the DAMN IT I'M GETTING OFF TRACK! Well, anyway, Alucard kept begging Anderson.

"No please! No, please..."

Alucard strained against his straightjacket, and eventually broke free. After a few seconds, his hair stood up, and the pentagram seals on his gloves lit up.

"YES!!! IM FREE...YES YES YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Anderson stood there dumbstruck, scratching his chin, which was only, at the time, beginning to grow a beard.

"Mess with a nosferatu of my caliber huh? Bigggggggggggg mistake, 'Alexander Anderson of The Catholic Church...'" Alucard said, smiling, and walking towards Anderson, his hands turning to claws, and his eyes glowing red.

Andersons screams were heard all that day...

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3 Hours Later, Anderson eventually escaped and stumbled up the the stairs out, of the dungeon. Walter found the poor scot limping up the stairs, crying.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! You're supposed to be dead! Or at least rotting in Alucard's digestive tract!"

The poor scottish boy could only cry out in pain, his right cheek slashed by something very sharp.

"Yikes, that'll leave a scar...a big one at that" Walter said.

Anderson stopped his crying and stood up seriously, feeling of the scar,

I swear on this scar I will dedicate my life tae killing the heathen vampires, and those wha' would ally wi' them!"

"Righhhhhhttttt...listen, the blood loss has probably got you loopy, Anderson." Walter said, nervously.

Anderson then started laughing once again, and everything mysteriously turned red...again. He stopped 2 minutes later, and grinned, shaking a little.

I Swear I will also find th' Holy Grail at th' Castle Auuggggh!" Anderson said, rolling his eyes in the back of his head, and growing an ecstatic, warbling smile.

Yeah, you'll faint any second now." Walter said calmly.

"PURPLE ELEPHANTS!"

Walter then karate chopped Anderson on the back of the neck. Anderson slumped down and fainted finally.

"Told you..." Walter muttered.

Alucard then began strolling up the stairs whistling.

"Ah, free at last, free at last, glory, glory, free at last!"

Walter stood there scared shitless, staring with his mouth open.

"Hello Wally!" the great vampire said in his Ladycard voice. "Lovely night for a drink!"

"No, please, Alucard that was just a joke, the whole locking you up in the basement...an elaborite prank by Sir Hellsing! HE MADE ME DO IT!!!"

"Hmm..I wonder how shall I kill you...I wonder if the seals will work without a master? Maybe I should try."

He assumed that famillar pose, smiling, and began that long winded speech.

"Releasing Control Art Restriction to Level Thr-"

Anderson then popped up, awake and smiling.

"GO AWAY!" Anderson shouted

"That's rude of you to inter-"

"SHUT UP!" Walter shouted.

"You're an ass-"

"SHUT AWAY!" They shouted, thier words mixing up.

Alucard, sighed, put his hands and head down, and walked into the storage closet, grabbed another strait jacket and headed back down into the basement. He sat against the wall again.

"Good then," Walter said. "I suppose you're free to go, boy. Don't come around here causing trouble again, okay?"

"Yes sir!" Anderson grinned, staring at Alucard. "I'll get my revenge on ye, vampire..." He muttered, fingering his cheek and walking away.

"As for you, Alucard...I have a call to make, so no supper!" Walter shouted, smiling and slamming the door, locking it. He then pulled out a small phone, and Alucard only heard the words "Max..." "Alucard..." "Ice Cream..." and "Ballerina," as his voice faded down the hallway, leaving Alucard to sigh, and stare at the door. After a few minutes, his eyes widened, and he shouted.

"HOW THE HELL DID I GET BACK IN HERE?!"

After a few minutes, he sighed...

"I guess that there's no reason fretting over this...God I hope I never see that kid again...he was an annoying little piece of crap..."

After a few seconds, Alucard closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He suddenly heard small, squeaky spanish-accented voices from the hole in the wall.

"Hey, Jose, he's asleep. You got the goods?"

"No, senior."

_"It's only a dream, please let this be only a dream.." _Alucard shut his eyes tighter, but the small, squeaky voices continued.

"Why you no got the goods, gringo?

"Your mamasita brought the goods last night in bed, senior!"

"Thats it, senior, you're dead! VIVA LOS MUERTOS!"

Several gunshots suddenly eminated from the hole in the wall. Alucard opened his eyes, and looked through the hole. After a few seconds, he saw 4 mice: One dead, and one mouse in a sombrero and poncho holding two impossibly tiny revolvers, and 2 other mice on each side of him wearing suits. Alucard's eye widened, getting stuck in the peephole. The main drug dealing mouse suddenly looked at the eye, and screamed.

"AIEEE! GIANT DEMON EYE!"

The mouse suddenly fired off several shots, piercing Alucard's eye, and causing him to fall back in great pain. As he lay on the ground, squirming through his blurred vision, he saw the 3 mice carrying a large brick, and bringing it down onto his head, knocking him out. As he was out, he heard several voices, in a dreamlike state, with a voice giving hints to thier identities, whispering before him as well...

_"Master!" A cute female british accent shouted...Servant..._

_"We are the representatives of God!" A familiar scottish accent shouted...Paladin..._

_"Alucard, did you piss in my tea again?!" A sterner, more leader-like female british voice shouted...new Master..._

_"Alucard, please, I'm begging you, put your pants back on! You've drunk too much wine, and now you're scaring the dinner guests!" Walter's voice shouted...The traitor._

_"FUCKACLUCKALOO!" A cocky, young voice shouted...Annoying Valentine in the Tracksuit that you'll never meet..._

_"Now we will see who the more powerful Vampire is!" a smooth accent said...Slightly-More Badass Valentine in the Scarface styled suit..._

_"Snake? SNAKE?! SNAAA-Whoopsie, wrong dream, sorry." A colonel's gravely, old voice spoke...what in the Hell was that?_

_"Das Millenium hast risen again!" A german accent spoke...Your Ultimate Enemy._

As Alucard heard all this, in the darkness, a door suddenly opened, and a man in a blue suit carrying a briefcase walked through the door.

"_Mr. Freeman, it is time for you to awaken...oh, wait...You're not Gordon Freeman...get the hell out." _The man suddenly kicked Alucard, sending him flying back into reality...

Alucard suddenly rose awake, his right eye still not healed. He started panting heavily..

"Damned...trippy...Dreams..." Alucard panted out, wiping sweat and blood off of his eye. He laid back, and waited for the next event to happen to him.

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Editor's Note: Hi, Minion V2 here. Sorry this took so long to edit. I wanted to add a little extra to the fic, and I apologize. So terribly sorry...please read my Fanfics, by the way. What, you expected me to go without doing a cheap plug? Well too bad for you, losers! sticks tounge out, and runs away laughing maniaclly


	6. Integra

SO everyone how are you all thank you again for the awesome reviews I do apologize in the delay on the chapters iv been a bit of writers block but heres my first attempt to work past it oh reference to some of Crispin Freeman voice work s a refrence to a video game character he played try and pick it out

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Alucard sat in the dark cell attempting to piece what little sanity he had left together. "This sucks," he mumbled. "I get blown apart and shot in the eye b freaking drug dealing mice. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE ……… of course, I am basically immortal and have lived for 500 years..and can regenerate from every wound possible which means...I AM A BADASS FREAKING VAMPIRE!!" He said, as he started laughing the famillar laugh.

"ALUCARD! YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO HIDE!!" Walter's angry voice boomed down the hallway.

"Oh shit!" Alucard ran in the corner, and pressed against the wall, his straitjacket blending into the wall. Walter walked in holding a baseball bat and looked around

"Damn dark room...cant find him..." and started to walk back out, when he saw that Alucard was standing in the doorway smiling.

"Oh damnit..." The butler said, as the vampire shut the door on him. Alucard walked off laughing.

"So ……… this means...IM FREE AGAIN! WOOOO-HOOOOOO!!" he broke outta the strait jacket and walked upstairs, into a new hallway, whistling.

"So...what can I do...hmmmmmmm?" He said to himself, walking down the long hallway. He suddenly heard a baby crying. "What in the hell?!" He started walking toward the sound. He walked into the room that was emitting the source of the sound and found a little blonde, tan baby girl sitting there crying.

"WELL...an easy meal." he said, as he walked up, licking his lips, and grabbed the baby, staring at it, and opening his mouth. The baby then kicked him in the jaw, causing him to bite his tounge. "YOU LITTLE-" He started once again getting cut off by the baby punching him in the eye. "YOU QUI-!" The baby headbutted his nose. The vampre stood there with a bloody nose setting the baby on the ground.

"Damn demon child! God, if you were my master, you'd be a little bi-!"

"ALUCARD?! HOW IN THE SAM HILL DID YOU GET OUT?!" A familiar voice to Alucard's ears shouted into the room...

"OH...Hell." Alucard said, turning his head to the doorway. Sir Hellsing stomped into the room holding Joshua, Alucard's old gun.(Editors note: AKA: The Casull)

"AND JUST WHAT IN THE GREEN HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE INTEGRA!?!"

"Um...I was gonna eat her, but she kep-………….. im just getting my self in more trouble aren't I?"

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE!" Sir Hellsing shouted. He walked over and picked up the baby. Alucard smiled nervously, and laughed nervously.

"Listen, man, I'm sorr-" Alucard was once again cut off, this time by a bullet into the head, which sent him back several feet, and causing him to scream.

"Its okay Integra, the bad vampire won't bother you again."

"WAIT, who're you calling bad? She-" Alucard got cut off by a shot to the face once again. Sir hellsing put Integra back in her crib and dragged the the poor vampire, who now resembled swiss cheese back to the dungeon. Walter was sitting there, having a conversation with the Mexican Cartel mice about the quality of life, when Alucard got flung back down the stairs in a bloody heap

The vampire merely smiled at Walter and said, "Yeeahh...about the lock..." Walter stood up, smiled, walked over and started beating the hell outta the poor vampire. "WHAT GACK IS WITH GACK PEOPLE GAH BEATING OOPH the undead ACKJESUS OUTTA ME GOOPH?!". After he was done, Walter walked back up the stairs with Sir Hellsing and closed the door, mumbling about making a seal for the door.

Meanwhile the mice walked up and said "Eeeey, Esse look like he need a smoke!" Alucard merely stuck his tounge out, grabbing a mouse with it, and eating it.

"Wait, didn't they smoke mariju..." Alucard's eyes suddenly got alot bigger, and he looked down at his hands, smiling the happiest he'd ever been. "OHHHHHHHHHH!! My hands are so pretty...and big...and soft...aaaah!" As Alucard went trippy, Sir Hellsing opened the door, and shot Alucard in his injured eye, knocking him unconcious. Alucard slowly faded into darkness, and a door opened again, and the man in the blue suit walked in again.

"Now...Mister Free-...YOU AGAIN?!" The man shouted angrily. "That's it, I'm getting you out of my hair for good!"

The man took a big swing with his briefcase, and Alucard flew back, and suddenly, into a new area...

"Where...am I?" Alucard said, looking around in the foggy area he was in. He could see a city in the distance, and a sign next to where he was laying. He got up, and read it aloud.

"Welcome to Silent Hill...where the hell am I?!"

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Editors note: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNANANANANANANANANANA!


	7. Whelcome to Silent hill

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Anyone miss Meh? WELL im back Time to write again Here we go 

Alucard walked through silent hill looking around hmm wonder where this is hmmmmmmm REHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the sound of a bomb siren sounded off AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH he ran into a nearby basement "well im safe down here...wait what▓s that on my leg? hmmmm" he then reached down and picked thing up and it was a baby holding a knife "Well aren▓t you cute, whats your name? mine's Aluc..." SHUNK the baby then decided it was stabby time Alucard decided it was soccer time he then punted the poor thing into the wall "Well that solves that...wait whats that"  
he then felt many crawling feelings on his legs "Well this doesn▓t seem goo..." SHUNk shunk shunk shunk several whimpers and crys from Alucard later the gray children left "Well", Alucard said bleeding out of his new orifices,"this isn▓t good,  
well at least the demon babies are gone. I think I'll take a leisurely crawl." he then began crawling up the steps several screams of pain later LIGHT! FINALLY he then began crawling through the streets "Well if you get past the rotting corpses and the babies that shank you it really isn't so bad"  
he then stopped in the middle of the street and rolled on his back somehow "So pretty sky...hey what▓s that? Looks like a bird but its rotting"  
The bird thing was flying closer claws extended "Well its getting closer"  
The bird then got to the poor vampire and ripped out his eyes with a loud pop ... "I really should have seen that coming wait I GOT MY FUcKIN EYES RIPPED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and now for a special treat PYRAMID HEADS POINT OF VIEW!

the monster known as Pyramid head walked around silent hill bored looking for some fun the monsters were fun till they broke, humans were the best their screams always helped matters but sadly they are few and far between then he saw him a long black haired man with no eyes screaming and swearing Pyramid head had found some fun he walked over to the poor man and begin stripping his pants now back to Alucard "WHAT THE HELL has GOT MY PANTS?!?!?!? Please tell me there isn▓t some kind of fuckin monster hERE...aHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!WALTER NO!! NOT LIKE THIS!!...wait im not at hells jeez not so hard be gentle gee...WAIT A MIN GET THAT OUTTA THERE!!!!!!!!!!" Alucard screamed Alucard crawled away as fast as he could leaving the monster sighing Pyramid head had his fun but he had also found the one Pyramid Head was in love

Alucard crawled through town crying then he heard "JESUS CHRIST MAN WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU"  
Alucard replied "Shut up and feed me!" he then jumped up and bit the man on the neck Alucards laughs were heard through all of silent hill along with many bones and organs popping back into place "IM BACK BABY!!! HAHAHAH HHAHA!!!!!!" he looked down and saw a pistol he picked it up and said "Well it isn▓t the casual, but it▓ll do nicely" he then preceded to walk into the hospital To be continued 


	8. The Hospital

ter was uber messy...heh heh..but I'll get it fixed up. So Minion is busy with other projects right now. I'm looking for an editor. I got a friend who's taking his place but you saw what happened with that. I'm thinking of forgetting the cell entirely and sending Alucard through a bunch of video game worlds...yeah, off topic but I'm running out of ideas. I am taking suggestions. You guys will love what game I'm choosing to put Alucard in. By the way guys feel free to message me or something. I'm not a jerk. I appreciate hearing from you guys. My MSN is on my profile and two more chapters till Silent Hill Arc ends. Any thing else? Nope? Then let's get the party started!!

Alucard strolled slowly into the hospital, pistol in hand. He glanced at his surroundings and proceeded to converse with himself.  
"Well this seems like a nice place! Blood covered walls always seem to make feel warm and fuzzy inside...or it could be the diarrhea." He commenced walking down the hallway, admiring the gloomy aesthetics. As he turned a corner he spotted a woman in a nurses outfit(those cliche' ones that everyone dresses up in at Halloween, not boring ol' scrubs). Her back was turned and she seemed to be crying  
"Hey lady," he called out to her. "Are you okay?" He then reached out to her, laid a hand on her shoulder and turned her around. "GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" he shrieked, upon seeing her bloodied eye sockets. He shielded his eyes for a moment, and after a moment of thought uncovered his face. "Hmmmmmmmmmmm..." he stated thoughtfully. "Well, I haven't had a girl in a while..." He forced her to her knees and unzipped his pants. "Nursy poo...were going to have some fun!" The usual ritual occurred and Alucard said in a soothing voice "Now see that isn't so ba..."  
CHOMP RIP   
Alucard stared at the bloody spot where his happy place last resided. "Great……….. " He looked down at the nurse, attempting eye contact, forgetting that little no eyes detail. "Give it back, Nursy Poo...I love you..."  
Nursy Poo merely swallowed his happy stick, rose from her knees and walked off.  
"OH!" he called after her. "So you DO swallow..." He began walking along the empty halls of the hospital once again, contemplating whether ALL of him was regenerable. He turned once another corner. Upon rounding, he was unexpectedly clotheslined. "WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!" He glanced up to see a tall(taller than himself, but that doesn't say much, as he is currently knocked to the ground) man with a large metal pyramid placed upon his head.  
"Who are YOU?" Alucard shouted as he rose to his feet. "And what? Do you think wearing silly hats and randomly pulling over-used wrestling moves on the unsuspecting undead is funny? Huh?! DO YOU?"  
A mumbled response came from the man(or whatever he would be called...) as Alucard noticed roses in the monster's hands.  
"You cant talk can you?" Alucard inquired.  
Pyramid Head simply stared at him.(or whatever he does to see...I don't even know where his eyes are for God's sake! I mean, geez, how's he so brutal with a five hundred pound triangle on his head?!? WHOOPS! Breaking the fourth wall... Any way back to our tale).  
"WHERE are your EYES!?"  
"MFFF!!!" it said shoving the roses in Alucard's face.  
"FUCK! You broke my nose! You expect me to forgive you after you broke my friggen NOSE!? NO! Screw YOU man!!"  
Pyramid Head stood there, gazing at the streaming blood down Alucards face. Without warning, he let out the oddest noise on the face of the earth. The great monster was crying over his lover not remembering him. Pyramid Head. so upset with grief, took it out on Alucard like he did everything else...beat and sodomized him.  
Pyramid Head then head butted the poor lord of the dead so hard he impaled him with his pyramid, donning Alucard a look inside the infamous helmet. And...NOTHING! Nothing lay under Pyramid Head's helmet!(how anti-climactic...)  
Alucard having a large monster face penetrating his...wait would this be considered making out? DAMN IT! Did it again!!! Anywho...  
Pyramid then said these words before kicking Alucard off and slamming him through the tile floor of the hospital "RIS SI SILRENT RILL!!!" (Which loosely translates to "THIS IS SILENT HILL!")  
Alucard was thrown though several floors, until he hit the concrete ground of the basement level. "OW! Just...OW! You'd think I fucked the guy..." he stood up and dusted himself off, snapping his broken limbs back together.  
"Now where the hell am I??" He began walking through the dark halls of the basement. After a while of labyrinth-like confusion, he approached a long corridor of doors. "Hmmmmm," he said, wondering why he was talking to himself in the first place, figuring it was too late to stop now. "Let's see what we find in here..." he said, opening the first of the doors. Behind door number one: a strait-jacketed demon being beat by a nurse.  
"RAY MAY GASME!!!" the nurse screeched, whipping the demon once again.  
Alucard just stared, wondering what "ray may gasme" meant. (note to reader: it means"say my name")  
The demon eventually began to twitch and spray a green goop all over the nurse who burned and melted into nothing.   
Alucard had one response, "WORST FINISH EVER!" He then closed the door on the oozing demon and steaming former nurse.  
He then opened the next door. "Doooooor number twooooo!" he said, questioning why he suddenly had a game show announcer's voice. Behind the door were two people...playing ping-pong. One being a six foot tall man in a pink bunny suit. The other being a creepy looking black haired man, that mysteriously, looked to be of relative to Alucard himself.  
"Well I guess this is better..."  
The two players just kept paddling the ball back and forth until the bunny man looked over and saw Alucard "Hey Minion, who's that guy?"  
Minion saw this opportunity to get a point and succeeded. "I WIN DESH!"  
Desh stared, as did Alucard. "Minion good game, man.Shake?"  
Minion walked up and they began to shake hands both smiling. Alucard smiled as well thinking "What good sports. I wish my friends were like tha..." His thought was interrupted by Desh slamming Minions skull into the ping-pong table repeatedly, screaming "WHO WINS NOW?! WHO WINS?! ANSWER ME!! I WON BITCH!! I WON! HA HA HA!!!" with a last slam, Minion slumped down into a bloodied heap.  
Desh turned to Alucard "YOU WANT SOME TOO!?" Desh charged at the door as Alucard slammed it, leading to a loud THUNK followed by "HELLO DOOR!" from the other side.  
Alucard just moved on shaking like a leaf in autumn(HA! SIMILE!) He continued to the next door and opened it. Revealing Pyramid Head. He was bent over messing with something while holding a large sword. A record was heard starting up as Pyramid Head trotted to the middle of the room, stuck the sword, and started dancing to the music, singing along with a wonderful voice. "Lolly pop, lolly pop! Oh lolly lolly lolly!"  
Alucard just stared for a moment before bursting with laughter.  
Pyramid head stopped, stared, and roared. Alucard saw this as an opportunity to close the door. Proving to be a good idea, as the giant sword went through said door moments later.

"WOW!" He exclaimed. walking to the end of the hallway opening yet ANOTHER of the doors. This door hid a large room with doors on either side. Alucard glanced skyward to notice a small monster crawling upon the ceiling. "Hi...please don't kill me..." he pleaded(why is Alucard pleading? He's a fucking bad-ass!)  
The monster simply replied "Naw, man. Why would I do THAT? The name's Valtiel...yours is?"  
"Alucard," he answered smiling. "You seem pretty nice...but why you on the ceiling??"  
"Ground's lava." Valtiel replied nonchalantly.  
"No it's not..." Alucard answered.  
Valtiel then pulled a lever that did not exist prior and began to turn it. "Now it is..."  
Lava began to flood into the room. Alucard stared at his burning feet and started running. He reached the other side of the room and flung open the door, stepped through, and closed it.  
Valtiel at this time realized that he has no where to escape to. "AH CRAP!" was the monster's final words.  
Alucard walked down the hall to a big dark door at the end. "Oh a big door!" he complimented.W!whats this? A boss fight?" He then opened the door(you'd think he'd have learned by now) and looked inside to reveal a clear box in the center of the room. He curiously walked up and peered into the seeing hole...and screamed like a school girl and ran off in cowardice. Inside was a little girl(or the remains of one) burned from head to toe. Once he had gathered his nerves, Alucard came back and looked again. "Yup...still horrible..." he stated blatantly.  
A little girl walked out of the shadows. "Alucard...its been a long time."  
"OH NO VICTORIA!" he screamed in fright.  
"No...Satan."  
"Oh! Thank God! I thought my pedophilia phase was coming back to haunt m..." he paused for a moment. "WAIT! WHAT? SATAN? Man! How ya been buddy?!"  
"You owe me money, bitch."  
"No I don't!" Alucard said defensively.  
"...and you laughed at Alessa."  
"No...I didn't." He then got head butted in the balls, beaten, and thrown into an elevator.  
Satan gave the final commands "GO TALK TO PYRAMID HEAD FOR YOUR FINAL BATTLE!"  
Alucard cried as the elevator went towards the roof top.

End

Writers note: I'm wanting to write on different topics I'm thinking about Naruto and Bleach...or taking a shot at something serious if you guys would like to see me parody something...say the word. This felt like my longest chapter ever... they're always short but when I write for two hours it sure as hell feels long and it was. Started: 1:30-2am...yeah that's only an hour and a half, but whatever.


	9. The Silent Hill Finale

So my old last chap was destroyed with my old computer I really need to back up stuff lol so any way desh has risen from the dead once again keyboard in hand and ready to make you guys confused on what im smoking but anyway all joking aside I enjoy chatting with you guys if you have an I dea tell me if you wanna chat ill chat im not a bad guy well there was that one rp OH sorry if you wanna team up for a fic or something ill do it if it intrests me feel free to talk to me guys I welcome it and naruto wtf got destroyed as well my new project that was tragically lost so are we ready for more boredom oh silent hill arc ends here the next arc is a surprise so here we go now ... and btw if i could find a new editer my storys would be up quicker hit me up on msn or aim if your intrested

Alucard layed in a puddle of his own shit and piss crying about the whipping to come as the elevator grinded slowly to the top

'What can I do my pistol wont hurt that thing I cant out fight it what can I do hmmmmmmmmmm iv got my healing factor he cant kill me with some stupid buster sword' he thought he stood up regaining his courage I can beat him he cant kill me im immortal HAHAHAHA the elevator dinged as the doors open and alucard got in pouncing position expecting to see pyramid head ready to fight but saw instead the man in the bunny suit and pyramid head playing a game of chess

I win pyrie take it off the bunny man said

MFFFFMFYRYBGFG he said taking off his apron

YES I WIN AGA oH GOD EMO GUY! The bunny man jumped behind pyrie at the site of alucard

Pryrie got up and began walking behind the bunny man

Soo the bunny man said I suppose you're here to fight pryramid head eh

Alucard just nodded as pyramid head had stopped to admire the blood drenched silent hill

Well I should warn you the bunny man said pyramid head is the baddest mofo in silent hill he turning around with his arms up and smacks pyramid head off the edge of the roof

Shit ………………. So um I suppose your gonna kill me huh HE WILL AVENGE ME! The bunny man said smiling

Well not really who are you anyway I ran into you twice and havent caught your name whats with the suit alucard asked

Huh What raPed who? He said messing with his ear on his costume Sorry mr strait jacket this damn costume is put on me as a rendition of my pschye in this story and it itchs horribly

Alucard just stared at the bunny man before screaming WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT



Never you mind king of the spooky just know that these will be your weapons agaist pyrie pulling out a fish and a rubber chicken

Alucard stared and said "that is a fing trout and a rubber chicken"

B man just stared at the fish and alucard before lunging at him and beating him bloody with them

THESE ARE THE WEAPONS OF DR DRE YOU DO NOT QUESTION THEM YOU GOTHIC FOOL!

As Alucard layed twitching in a pool of his own blood he heard the ping of the elevator behind him and a loud roar bunny man screaming and then HELLO ground and a loud squish alucard fainted from blood loss soon after wards

30 minutes later

Pyramid head had cleaned the bunny mans intestines off and was ready to fight as he stood in the elevator dramaticly as frank sinatra played the whole way up and the ding of the elevator broke the happy moment pyramid head sat there ready for a fight but saw alucard sleeping in a pool of his own blood

"Bleh brains …….0 I need cheese feed me goats DAMNIT GRANDMA THE STICK DOES NOT GO IN THE MICROWaVE FUCK I WILL GROW A POMPADOUR NEVERLESS HOW ITS SPELLED! GIVE ME HEAD YOU IMPUDENT TREE I WIL DEVOUR YOUR CANDY FILLED GOODNESS! FEAR MY CHOCLATE PANTS AND THEIR MUFFINY GOODNESS!"

Alucard screamed in his sleep

Pyramid just sat there staring or whatever the farg that thing does before walking to a closet on the top half of the roof and after rummaging around and throwing many many random objects which ranks included a Pikachu (which shouldn't even exist but its my story bite me) a cat a goat a small furry obsessed child, a small child, a small Russian boy, Vladimir puttin ,Fidel Castro and alessa before pulling out a boom box and a tape

He then walked over to alucard and began beating him with the boom box to wake him up alucard then jumped awake and stared at pyramid head scared OH God Not you again! The vampire said

Ill take care of you for good alucard said standing up absorbing his blood back Fine you want to fightr we will fight pyramid and alucard then got into fighting stances and everything froze as the bunny man walks in with half of his face ripped off

OKAY LADYS AND GENTLEMEN HERES THE LOW DOWN! IM Going to Try To Write a fight scene The original fight was anti climatic and way to random it will have the same ending but will actually have an build up if I do this right SO Here Goes UNFREEZE SILENT HILL ALESSA! ( i thought down with the sickness ashes to ashes from rammstein or mein teil could work for music to this yes this fight scene is actually serious not funny XD)

The bunny man walked off screen and everything began moving again



Alucard stared at pyramid head they stared at one another in pure silence waiting for the other to make their move alucard then made his move running at super human speeds he charged into PH knocking them both off the roof alucard punching the monster on the way down Ph doing the same they both hit the ground with a loud crunch as every bone in PH s and half of alucards were broken from the impact they both rolled away from each other snapping back together standing up and rushing one another fists raised both bringing them down on the other snapping the others neck alucard then jump kicked Ph in the pyramid sending him flying into a nearby tree ph then regained his composure picking up the remains of the broken tree and using it as a make shift spear charged at alucard roaring loudly and succeeded running the no life king through and kept running through the hospital through every room on the way through until they came out the other end alucard had been slowly trying to pull himself along the tree to get to his foe and was a bloody mess fragments of his skull were lodged into his eyes his spine was touching his heels yet he smiled he then regenerated what he could and began running at Ph shredding his insides in the process

but he eventually got to his goal punching him with all his strength breaking off the tip of Phs helmet and cracking the rest the monster let out an un holy roar and began to head butt the no life king breaking alucard and his helmet further alucard with half of his face missing pulled himself off of the tree and began regenerating again as he charged pyramid head jump kicking the monster again who was unfazed grabbing alucards leg and began pummeling him in the nuts rapidly before ripping alucards leg off and throwing him away alucard hit the ground and rolled with a sickening thump he then regenerated his leg slowly as the monster walked towards him slowly making a gurgling noise which alucard couldn't understand pyramid head was laughing

Ph then broke into a run charging towards alucard who was just standing tackling him through 4 trees alucard kicking the monster in the stomach with each tree alucard rolled away bleeding with his leg missing he looked around to see it stuck through pyramid heads stomach and sticking out the other end who ripped the leg out and charged alucard with it and began beating him with it breaking his jaw so bad alucard was chewing on his own ear alucard the rolled away regenerating standing up smiling crookedly until his jaw healed back he then rushed pyramid head upper cutting the monster so hard it made him air born alucard then jumped onto the monster and began pounding his helmet using everything he could think of top break it further his arms breaking from the forces of his punches against the monsters unholy helmet Ph eventually hit the ground trying to ward off the blows of the no life kings punches but alucard then decided it was time to increase his power his arms growing to Olympic weight lifter proportions

( I didn't make this up look at alucards fight with Alhambra in ova 3)

pyramid head put his hand up to block the punches but alucard knocked the monsters arm in half from the force of his blows pH roaring horribly swung his stump at alucard blinding him with a wave of blood pyrie then kicked alucard away picking up his arm and reattaching it and flexing it they both regained fight stance and rushed each other grabbing the other and began a contest of power both were equally matched destroying both of the others arms in an explosion of blood both screamed and jumped back to heal alucard healing first rushed alucard and picked up the 2 ton monster power bombing him sticking him into the ground alucard saw this as an an oppurtune time to run over to the broken trees and rush the monster 

impaling him and sticking him into a near by rockface sticking him there alucard then went and grabbed each of the other broken trees and began stabbing the monster in his newly regenerated hands and legs

The monster known as pyramid head Had been Crucified the monster began twitching and screaming making the most unholy noises on earth alucard just looked at his handiwork and said

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME THE IMPALER JABRON!

Alucard just stood and laughed as the monster bled all over the ground

I WON BITCH I WON HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IM A FREAKING VAMPIRE YOU IDIOT! You thought you could win HA!

Pyrie just screamed and bled as alucard admired his handiwork the monster began beating his own head aganist the rock wall breaking his helmet furthert ill it eventually broke in half completely revealing his face

Pyramid head said in a voice Identical to alucards

Well well well the no life king has beaten me in combat but he said riping him self down off the stone wall can you beat me in dancing?

Pyramid head walked off leaving a speechless alucard standing there with his mouth open

Few seconds later the man came back holding the boom box and cassete putting it in the boom box alucard snaping out of his fear coma screamed

WHO IN THE FLYING PISS DRINKING FUCK ARE YOU!

The man just smiled and said

I cant reveal much but know two things I raped you and im your voice now shall we begin he said pressing the button on the tape player as slayers raining blood began playing

Alucard knew he couldn't win this contest whe Ph back flipped and alucards eyes began to bleed but he had one question before his death

Wait if you raped me and you're my voice then would that be considered masterbation incest or what

Alucard said

The man just smiled and said well you see bLam his head exploded 10 seconds later



Alucard stared and began smiling HOLY SHIT I WON WO HOOOOOOOO WOO he began to moon walk a nd cheer but pyramids heads blood began to creep up towards alucard a nd drag him sint another dimension all he saw was darkness then he saw a white light and 3 figures one that resembled a walking duck a kid with big shoes and a six foot tall dog

GUESS WHERE HE IS NOW! MY SANTUARYYYYYY YEAH! HAHA


	10. Author note

OKAY! WELLP i wanted commwents on the fight scene personally i loved it but no one has commented it... anyway i didnt start this chapter to bitch and moan about the fight scene not being liked but im gonna do more so be warned any way boredoms been up for a year and well... its gonna be alot longer iv lost my former glory XD but anyway Thank you readers I wouldnt still be doing this if it wasnt for you hell its not like im doing this for money... but i have HUGE Project planned but anyway reason i started this chap here is my microsoft word is kersplat and i cant find a product key for it but i started this to tell you of my coming plans for boredom and others

Future of boredom

kingdom hearts arc fan boys and girls be warned i will atempt to destroy the lovely little crushes you have on sora and the gang but ah well it will go through every world in kingdom hearts 2 excluding roxas part i will have side chapters for mini bosses

metal gear arc im debating on it it most likely will be 1 or 2 chapters long

soul caliber i will probly do it

Breakdown was a great game pity not a lot o people played it super smash bros will think on it XS

half life WILL MOSt definatly do best of... ill leave it to you on what it is

but anyway guys i love you guys more then you know thank you for reading my stupid little stories and giving me confidence on my creative skills

notes I NEED A EDITOR REALLY REALLY BAD! any one intrested my msn is on my page and btrw give me your opinons you wanna see a nother arc? tell me ill probly do it but thank you guys once again 


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